Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
This kid is going places
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.