Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash