Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.