Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
they really do be looking like this