I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”