My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.