how to market bottled water to dads
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music