If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu