Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
next level snooze
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Living the best life.. 😊
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.