my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday