Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
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smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything