Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.