<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
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Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands