how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*