There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
No, I don’t think I will.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story