me after drinking all the wine:
You Might Also Like
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Candles never taste the way they smell
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.