Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*