I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
You Might Also Like
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.