May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.