6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Home is where your toilet is.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles