Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Mission: Impossible
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on