[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’m calling the cops.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
this is the greatest thing ever
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
man i love columbo
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car