It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok