me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
You Might Also Like
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Just a phase…
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas