LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Yeah. This was me today.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.