How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Peace was never an option
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”