When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
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Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.