darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.