[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game