time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]