perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
You Might Also Like
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.