Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours