*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?