Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful