People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You Might Also Like
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Noted.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Bringing home a sharpie
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet