Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators