I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You Might Also Like
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.