The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Meow
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.