that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13