-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Everyone’s family
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣