Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING