doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You Might Also Like
I’m already scared
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”