Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You Might Also Like
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.