This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
me working on my assignments ^-^
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need