I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Did…did a minotaur write this
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever