gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
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3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Meth is short for Elizameth.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
opening twitter today
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know