2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”