toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Feels
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.