Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.