Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
You Might Also Like
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.